My traditional man originally said he wanted to wear a tux and wanted his men in black suits.  I felt a little disappointed.  I think I showed him a photo of someone looking very fetching and modern in a pale grey linen suit with a vest.  He wasn’t feeling it.  And I was feeling a bit reluctant about the black suits. 

But then I had this revelation a few days ago.  People used to wear their best clothes to a wedding—why?  I am beginning to understand.  I think it was not to impress the guests, to be photographed well, or to indicate your family’s wealth.  I am beginning to understand that people dressed up because getting married is serious stuff.  You are pledging your life to someone and—surprise!—you wear formal clothes to honor the importance and the gravity of this event.  Somehow in this secular world where tradition is no longer a given, everything has become so un-tethered that it feels like I am doing archeology to discover the meaning of the simplest wedding-related things.  I dress up to honor other people’s weddings—why wouldn’t I dress up to honor my own?

Oh my.  If you are a wedding guest like me, you have dreaded the bouquet toss.  Being identified as single—singled out a single—is embarrassing and not pleasurable.  Cute idea, but no.  Perhaps if I had understood the whole bouquet=bridal luck, I would have gone for it more.  Or if I had realized how much those poor bouquets cost and I had been able to trade it in for its weight in groceries, I definitely would have whole-heartedly dove for the thing.  I love the final scene in Clueless where all the guys have money on whose girl gets the bouquet.  They are so enthusiastic!  They look like they are having fun!  I have never had that kind of fun at the bouquet toss.

As you know, my attempt to imagine a positive garter toss experience has been pretty much a fail.  Until I saw this song suggestion: “You Can Leave Your Hat On.”  I love “You Can Leave Your Hat On.”  It is a ridiculous cliché—and I love it.  Who doesn’t love this song?  Is this a way to redeem the garter toss? 

Alright.  Here’s my attempt to re-imagine the garter toss.  First of all, how about if the bride doesn’t just sit there?  If it is all about the heat, why shouldn’t the bride do a little garter dance?  !  Now I feel like I am asking myself to perform a striptease at my wedding; I am not doing this in front of the grandmothers.  Maybe at the imaginary after-party?  Still don’t want to imagine his friends –or brothers!!!—catching my garter.  Lord.

Or how about this: Perhaps it’s a capture the flag situation.  Make a dash for it!  We’ll see if he can get that damn garter.  Or maybe don’t even wear the garter!  It’s all about the laugh?  He can be fishing around for it, and I can pull it out of my cleavage.  Ha ha.  You tell me: is this any better?  I think no.

Oh, the garter toss.

I have been researching the garter toss.  So far there are no posts that have made me smile.  Origins: bad.  Videos: bad.  Lots of women gripping chairs for dear life.  Song suggestions: bad.  “You Sexy Thing”—eeek!!   Just kill me.

So here is what I think is really going on.  I’m from D.C.  Here are some words that I would associate with D.C. culture: classy, conservative, traditional, elegant, safe.  There was the one time I went back to a high school friend’s wedding after I moved to CA.  The wedding was in August.  Ever been to DC in August?  It’s like 102 degrees and 2000% humidity.  Notwithstanding the oppressive heat, I knew everyone would be wearing conservative black dresses.  I didn’t; I wore orange.  One guy who was dancing with me said: “My grandmother wants to know who you are.”  So a little wardrobe unconventionality, and grandmothers are up in arms.  So we D.C. people are not exactly risqué by training.  Have any of my D.C. lady friends ever done the garter toss?  That would be a no.

So I’ve calmed down a little about the garter toss.  Still think no—but what exactly is my garter toss objection?  Why does the very thought make me freak out so much?  Don’t like the origins of the tradition (virginity, bride as good luck)?  Ok, but I think the whole kidnapping-the-bride game sounds like fun, and that origin is much, much worse.  Don’t want my guy under my skirts?  Not something I usually object to.  Don’t think people should be sexy in public?  I lived in France, people, my PDA tolerance is high.  Did I ever mention the time that couple had sex next to me on the bed?  Too tawdry?  Too cheesy?  Ok, the idea of performing a virtual sex act in front of my family/his grandmothers—not such a good thought for me.  But if a wedding is supposed to reflect a marriage, shouldn’t sex and joking and high spirits be part of that?  Do I just want an elegant wedding, or a fun one?

I have made a deal with myself: I am not going to look at wedding timelines for the next month.  Because we just jumped from 9 months to 5 months to W day.  So I’m sure we are already 7 months behind.  Why give myself a heart attack?  We’ll just get our save the date out yesterday and we’ll be fine.

A lot of tiaras.  A lot of carriages.  A lot of satin slippers and castle-like locations.  Eeeekk!  I do not want to be a princess on my wedding, and not because I don’t love all these things.  My 13 year old birthday fantasy: I and all of my friends would be in beautiful Cinderella-like ball gowns and get picked up by this beautiful carriage which would take us to have ice cream sundaes on the grass lawn of this beautiful estate and there would be fireflies.  So if this is your imaginary wedding, I feel you.

The fairytale hasn’t gotten old for me; the problem lies elsewhere.  I think many people want to be a princess on their wedding because we think that princesses are somehow are better than us.  Princesses are rich, and elegant, and extraordinarily beautiful, and…And somehow in our desire to be beautiful and happy, we try and be more special, and the wedding turns into a day where who we are normally isn’t special enough. 

I say, be yourself, absolutely yourself.  There is nothing wrong with a nice dinner and a pretty dress (even a tiara if you like, because how often do you get to wear a tiara?) but there is everything to be said for looking like an extremely fetching version of yourself—you right now, in your life.  Messy apartment, extra five pounds, credit card debt, one two many pairs of scuffed shoes?  Who the hell cares?  You’re in love and happy.  Screw the rest.