I have fought a long war with my mother over boundary issues. When I had my apartment in LA, sometime I’d come home and find different curtains on the windows. It took years to make my mother understand that this was not cool: my apartment, not her apartment. And here in my new space, I also struggled to make her understand that she wasn’t allowed to bring her gardener by to chop stuff in the front yard when she felt like it: if I wanted something trimmed, I would do it myself. So when I got in late Saturday night, I was surprised to see flowers in the previously empty flowerpots outside. The man I love’s mom explained that she hadn’t brought a gift, so she planted flowers in my flowerpots. I thanked her, and I’m just going to let it go.
Category: mothers
On his mother’s unexpected visit
We came up with a game plan: dinner with her and my mom Saturday when I got home, look at hotels on Sunday. But my plane got delayed and I was so exhausted from the trip, I knew I would never make dinner. So on Sunday we all had breakfast—and it was fun! And then we all looked at some hotels—and we agreed about them! And then it turns out his mom found this excellent hotel in the middle of Burbank that is priced like a motel and looks like a boutique! Done. And we’re scouting for rehearsal dinner locations in the next few weeks before she comes back. So I guess that went pretty well.
And then his mother called, part 2
I’m out of town on work-related business and the man I love calls. He’s freaked. He just heard from his mother and she is on the road driving down to LA for the weekend to book the wedding hotel and rehearsal dinner. !! I don’t usually break out the abbreviations, but WTF!! First of all, you call and ask, you don’t just show up. Second of all, these are not entirely her decisions. And third of all, I’m not even Fing home!!!! WTF!
On how my mom came through
The man I love and I made dinner for my mom to talk about wedding stuff. I was hoping after the wine, his grandmother’s brisket, and the brownie she would be in a good mood and benevolently pledge $250 for flowers. After dinner, though, she looked like she was about to fall asleep. I had made color-coded excel sheets of the top three locations with breakdowns of elements and costs. She seemed unmoved. And then she came back from the bathroom and announced that she had a small saving’s bond she could cash in and she wished it was more. I almost cried. My single mom worked very hard to put my brother and I through high school and college. But since then, I have been on my own. It has been a long time since someone leant a hand. Having her support on this means so much to me—I felt like a child and a daughter, in the best possible way.
On his cute parents
The man I love’s mother called this morning. After a little chat, she let slip the fact that his dad has started watching wedding shows. Apparently, he occasionally calls out to her that “she has to come see this!” and she tells him that she is busy and can’t. But she admitted she had watched three shows Monday night. Adorable.
On partnership
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about partnership. It is time to refinance the house, and the long and short of it is that I have a choice: I can do a loan modification by myself or I can refinance—with the man I love. It seems that I don’t make enough money to refinance solo. I thought I was gainfully employed, but not gainfully employed enough for mortgage companies. The man I love offered to refinance with me when we were not engaged, and at first I said no. I didn’t want him to have to save me—I wanted to be able to take care of my own business. And owning a house together? That’s a marriage, as far as I’m concerned—that’s a 30 year commitment. Or more! But then we talked about it some more, and it started to sound possible. And now we are engaged, and that has changed things too.
Here’s the thing—when I bought the house, my ex wasn’t involved. My mom didn’t want him to be, and he didn’t force the issue. So I went through all those house-buying stages, all of which were scary for me, pretty much alone. Sure, my mom was there, but not the man I was supposed to be establishing my future with. That time I cried in the parking lot? My mom told me to go home and have a glass of water. I love her, but that’s not really the support you need, if you see what I’m saying.
I told him I don’t need him to buy in, placate my mother, or wipeout his savings. I just want a partner—and he says we’re in this together.
On breaking your family
A dear friend confided in me that one of her wedding goals was to make her—normally unemotional, somewhat reserved—mother cry. She did. We have a talked a bit about this—we have very similar mothers—and I am going for it. Perhaps I will try and break both mothers! Insert evil laugh here.
And then his mother called
The man I love’s mother checked out the place in Burbank online. She called, outraged at the prices. She’s done salmon dinner for 100 in her house in Cincinnati for $1,200! How could we even think about spending that much!
She made a few suggestions: cut our guest list in half, no one needs appetizers, and no open bar. Which as far as I can tell means no friends and no fun. We want to invite 100-120. 50 of those are family.
The man I love was crushed. We had found an acceptable Los Angeles location, and one or two other possibilities, and were feeling like we had done pretty well so far. But she was basically saying we were crazy, and that we shouldn’t think of spending more than $6000. Which in LA covers the rental fee of the cheapest place and—maybe—an app?
I get it; I really do. $10,000+ is a lot of money! It is crazy!
I threw a wedding in our backyard for my first wedding for around $6,000. I know what to do; I know I can do it. But the man I love wants a Wedding, with dinner and dancing. I’d really like to walk down an aisle. And, honestly, for our numbers, our backyard is too small.
So I’m going to put together an under $10,000 wedding proposal for here in LA. And we’ll see what that looks like, and we’ll see if that’s what we want to do.
On his mother’s imaginary wedding
So his mother has found us the place we should get married. This is, unfortunately, not the place we are currently thinking that we should get married. It looks good, sure. And she made many lengthy compelling arguments as to why it would be good. I’m considering it. The only problem is, she seems quite attached. So if we go for on of our places, I am not sure how to break it to her that her imaginary wedding location is out.
On why the wedding is for the family—but in a different way than I imagined
So we spent a few days with my boyfriend’s family over the holidays. His mother seemed happy for us, but made a couple of comments that make it clear that I am not yet—in her mind—part of the family. Fair enough. First of all, we aren’t married yet. And second of all, my boyfriend (fiancé!) is the first of her kids to get married, and I don’t think she is totally sure how to mentally configure her family unit to include this extra person–me. My mom also seems to be struggling with this idea of combining families, and the permanence of this new person in my life. So the man I love and I are pretty clear about what this wedding is supposed to do: convince our mothers that we are now married and—surprise!—part of the family.