One of the main reasons I started this blog in the first place was to talk about getting married for the second time, and what that felt like. Except the whole wedding process has sort of swept me up and I haven’t been doing much of that. Easier to look ahead than look back, I suppose.
The other weekend, in the middle of our great refinancing efforts, the man I love asked me why I had bought the house with my ex in the first place. I explained: My ex and I had bought the house when we got married because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time: we needed space, real estate prices were still lowish, we had the opportunity, etc. Fair enough. But as I was talking through all of this, a great fear came over me. Here I am, about to get married to the man I love, and it also seems like the right thing to do at this time. But what if it is not? Why if I have no judgment/am wrong/am fooling myself/am about to make a terrible mistake? Because I was wrong once before. Why should I trust myself again?
Building faith with yourself in regards to your romantic choices is an interesting process. It happens over time. I definitely gave myself that time to relearn who I was and think about who i wanted to be with. I am currently with the man I love, not only because I love him, but because we work. I believe we can build a life together; I want to. I do trust that. But, occasionally, something will trigger the great fear.